Learn how to build meaningful relationships with those in your care

As an adoptive, foster, or kinship caregiver, one of the most important things you will do is build a relationship with your children and youth. When a child has experienced trauma and loss, relationship building requires particular attention. A youth’s early experiences can affect their ability to trust, their behaviors, and even their worldview. And, as their caregiver, you may struggle to overcome unrealistic expectations, your own experiences with grief and loss, and a societal belief that love is enough to make everything work smoothly.  

Below are some strategies to help you build a better relationship with those in your care, whether they are just arriving or have been in your home for some time.  

Use trauma-responsive parenting strategies.

One of the most important things you can do to ensure the best possible parent-child relationship is to learn about trauma-responsive parenting, explained in greater detail in this AdoptUSKids blog post. This approach acknowledges that often the best way for parents to achieve their desired outcomes is to adjust their own actions, rather than try to change the youth’s behavior. While relying on consequence-based parenting can damage the relationship you’re trying to build, trauma-informed parenting strategies, such as changing your own routines and response, allow you to create trust while effectively and lovingly supporting kids as you address the behaviors arising from their trauma and loss.  

Adjust your expectations.

Research has shown that unmet parental expectations can lead to relationship challenges and even placement disruptions. Wherever you are in the placement journey, it’s a great time to examine your assumptions and work to develop more realistic ideas about what to expect.  

If you are waiting for placement or are caring for a newly placed child, it can be really helpful to learn from others about the reality of their adoption, foster care, or kinship care journeys. Consider attending a support group or training where you can hear directly from parents and caregivers about their own experiences. Attending workshops, reading articles, or listening to podcasts from individuals who experienced foster care or adoption can also help you understand your child and what’s ahead on your journey. 

If you are already parenting a youth, think carefully about what is frustrating you and consider whether you have expectations that can’t be met—or at least can’t be met right now. For example, one parent said that before she adopted her children she expected the family to eat dinner together at the dining room table. She realized over time that sitting still in that environment was too hard for some of her children, so they all ate together in the family room instead.  

Adjusting expectations can also have an important secondary benefit. When parents truly accept that a child can’t (or can’t right now) do what they’d like, they can often stop taking the behaviors or challenges as a personal affront. Some experts suggest parents adopt as their mantra the acronym Q-tip (quit taking it personally) and even carry a Q-tip with them as a reminder. 

Commit to the level of effort that you would provide for a new baby.

When a family welcomes a new baby, the parents’ world revolves around that infant. The parents provide immediate attention when the baby cries or seems upset. They nurture almost nonstop when the baby is awake. They try different things—food, rocking, touch, or comfort—when a baby is unhappy. They have to become behavior detectives to understand what the baby needs or what each cry means. All of these activities help develop and strengthen the parent-child bond. 

The exact tasks may differ when you welcome a child or youth into the family (and will vary depending on the child’s age, developmental stage, and trauma history), but the same levels of time, commitment, learning, dedication, and nurturing are required. In a three-minute YouTube video explaining the Trust-Based Relational Intervention model,  Karyn Purvis of the Institute of Child Development shares steps you can take when building bonds with youth.  

Intentionally learn about each other.

Everyone will benefit from thinking about building relationships from the start, especially in the early stages of a placement. You can consider the tips below when forging connections as early as possible, although these ideas can also work for those who have been in your care for awhile, too.  

You can find additional suggestions in another AdoptUSKids blog post, Helping children build attachment.  

Learn to understand each other’s personalities and values.

Even those family members who share several interests may have different personality styles that affect their relationships.  Many of us have taken personality tests as part of workplace team-building efforts, but how often do we apply these same concepts to our family?   

Consider having your family members take personality quizzes (such as this True Colors test, available as a PDF from Hampton University), and then discuss your similarities and differences. Be sure to bring a strengths-based approach to the conversation, especially when talking about differences. Brainstorm together how you might accommodate any identified differences. 

Youth and parents may also have different values and belief systems, especially when children are joining the family at an older age. As a foster, adoptive, or kinship caregiver, you often have to learn to accept and embrace these differences.  

On the Families Rising website, adoptee and child welfare professional Nathan Ross provides advice in his article, Our Stories Shape Our Attachment, saying, “Honor requests as long as they are reasonable and do no harm. Remember that your child may have different beliefs or values than you. By respecting their reasonable choices, you are helping them better understand who they are and what they believe.” 

Understanding and addressing loss and grief.

This article from the Families Rising website addresses how loss and grief are two of the seven core issues in adoption and permanency, affecting all members of the adoption constellation. They’re equally important for foster and kinship families, too. 

Children and youth have lost their first families and often a connection to their culture or community of origin. They may have been separated from friends, neighbors, pets, and others who were important to them. Parents and caregivers, especially those experiencing these challenges, often feel their own sense of loss about the lives they expected or hoped for, as well. Both caregivers and the children and youth need to acknowledge these losses and take the time to grieve them.   

Although they are designed for parent support groups, the discussion guides below, available as PDFs from AdoptUSKids, can be a resource for individual parents, too:  

You can read the guides on your own or talk through them with your partner, extended family members, or other foster, adoptive, or kinship caregivers. 

Another tool you can use in this work is Dr. Darla Henry’s 3-5-7 model, outlined in this article on the Families Rising website. Dr. Henry’s own website also offers some useful videos and tip sheets that may help families identify, acknowledge, and grieve losses.   

Focus on connection before correction.

One of the most important things parents can do to build or protect a good relationship with their children is to emphasize connection before correction, which you can learn more about in this three-and-a-half minute YouTube video from 4KIDSUS. If you have a choice between battling over something and letting it go so you can build relationship, lean heavily into choosing the relationship!  

Try to think about relationship-based solutions to challenges. If you’ve been arguing about chores, can you do them together? Maybe your child can tell you a story as you make the bed together. Perhaps you can have a laundry-folding race to see who can get done the fastest. Can you find a way to turn homework into a game you play together (such as hosting an at-home spelling bee)?  

In some cases, it may be important to learn to accept and live through difficult moments. Dr. Mona Delahooke calls this mindful acceptance, which she explains in this blog post on her website. With mindful acceptance, you work on staying calm rather than responding to your child’s behaviors, improving your own state of mind, and perhaps preventing any escalation that might damage the relationship.  

Another way for parents to build connection is to apologize. It can be really helpful to say you’re sorry to your child or teen when you have lost patience or done something hurtful.  

Involve the child or teen when finding solutions.

Don’t forget to include your child or youth in efforts to improve your relationship. Relationships are a two-way street! One great tool to work on challenges together is Dr. Ross Greene’s collaborative problem solving, which is thoroughly presented in a series of videos and articles on his website.  

Through this approach, parents and children partner to clarify and address the unsolved challenges in their lives. (Of particular note is the first video, under step three, which you can find at the link above. It has great advice about how parents can adjust expectations and help stabilize their relationships.)  

Spend one-on-one time with your children or youth.

Whether you are welcoming a new family member or trying to improve an existing relationship with a youth in your care, consider planning special connection moments with the individual. In an AdoptUSKids webinar, adoptive parent and child welfare professional Barb Clark shares strategies, such as those below. 

Clark explains her philosophy when planning these connection days with her daughter, saying, “It’s all about her. She gets to make the choices even if I don’t like them.” (Keep in mind that for children who are still in foster care, you may need to check with their worker before using respite or having the child miss school.) 

Develop your family’s support network.

Having a strong support network allows you that one-on-one time and to be more focused when you need to devote time to relationship building. 

Joining a parent group can allow you to build connections with parents who can provide necessary emotional support and guidance. It can also be an opportunity to meet parents who understand trauma and loss and who may be willing to provide or trade respite care. Accessing your community’s support services for foster, adoptive, and kinship families via this tool at AdoptUSKids can also be a real help, as many offer respite care, training, and other services.  

In addition to reaching out to formal support programs, consider building your own informal network. Options might include friends, teachers, former daycare providers, former foster parents, coaches, the child’s birth family members, and others who might be willing to help. Consider whether a few of your friends or family members might come together to jointly care for a child or sibling group whose behaviors may seem too challenging for just one person.  

Don’t forget to ask your youth if there is someone in their life they would like to see more often. Reaching out to these key individuals can support a relationship that is important to the child and may give you opportunities for a break.  

Focus on family-based solutions.

If you’re considering therapy or other mental health services for your children, look for professionals who focus on family systems and relationships. It’s extremely important to understand that the entire family needs support and healing. We can actually cause harm when we focus on child-only interventions. As you seek interventions, consider these tips from the Child Welfare Information Gateway for finding adoption-competent mental health practitioners. 

Clearly articulate the difference between equitable and fair.

Clashes between siblings can affect a youth’s relationship with you, too. One thing that is often a challenge is when one child sees another being treated differently and resents their parents as a result. In these situations, it can really help to explain the difference between equitable and fair. Think about what might work for the individual youth, and practice with your partner or friends. For example, if the child who is complaining about fairness has their own needs you are accommodating, use that in your explanation: “You know how you sleep with a special blanket? We do that for you because it helps you with X. We do Y to help your brother because that’s what he needs. He doesn’t need a blanket to sleep.”  

If you don’t have an example, consider using a story of a child who needs glasses or a wheelchair or a youth who can’t hear. Most children can understand this type of difference needs to be accommodated and then can understand how some challenges aren’t visible. Many people have found the equality vs. equity graphic near the top of this article by the San Diego Foundation to be a useful teaching tool for children and adults alike. Teachers on the resource website Better Kids share numerous examples of how they have taught about fairness, which can lead to increased empathy, thus improving relationships overall. 

Address blocked trust and blocked care.

A child’s blocked trust and a parents’ blocked care can be significant barriers to successful relationships. Blocked trust happens when a youth’s early life experiences demonstrate that adults can’t be counted on. Then, when parents are repeatedly rebuffed in their efforts to connect with a child, they may develop blocked care. 

As a parent, you can learn more about how to build trust with your child and to identify and overcome your own blocked care by using some of the resources listed below.  

Keep trying.

As you work on building or improving a relationship with a child in your family, it’s important to remember that there will be ups and downs. If one strategy doesn’t work, try another. Engage any professional support you need when times are tough.  

Sharing your experiences with and learning from others who have walked the same path can also be helpful. See if your placing agency can recommend any virtual or in-person support groups for you or if they can pair you with another parent for mutual support. Do your due diligence and make sure the parents are also committed to relationship building and practicing trauma-responsive parenting. 

Relationship-building takes time, but it is worth it.